Don Shamji & Ghansham.............

Ghansham : Sham, iss aadmi ne hamaare saath gaddaree kee hai..
Sham: Iss kuththe ki ek haath meinTITAN ki ghadi aur doosre haath mein HMT ki ghadi pehnaado.
Ghansham: Lekin Sham, yeh to gaddaar hai.
Shamji : Hum jaante hain, Isko bathaana hai ki ab yeh do ghadi ka mehmaan hai.
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Ghansham : Sham, Sona kahan hai? (Where is the gold?)
Shamji : Saara beach hamaara hai. Kahi bhee so jao Ghansham.

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Ghansham and Shamji are escaping in a boat and suddenly there's a hole in the boat and water starts coming in.
Ghansham is anxious.
Ghansham : Ab kya hoga Sham...?
Shamji : Ek aur hole kardo, Ghansham...
Ghansham : Ek aur hole..?!!
Shamji : Ek hole pe 'IN' likh do aur doosre hole par 'OUT' likh do.
Paani IN mein aayega aur OUT se baahar jaayega...
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Shamji : Is gaddaar ko shaampein mein dubaa do.
Ghansham : Lekin kyon, Sham?
Shamji : 'Shame se' nahin to 'Pain' se mar jaayega...

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Mona comes in with a proposal to get married
Mona : Sham, Humne Toni se shaadi karni hai
Shamji : Mona yeh bilkul nahi ho sakta
Mona : Lekin Sham, yeh kyon?
Shamji : Mona, tumne agar Toni se shaadi ke to yahan bahut monatony ho
jaigi.

Mona goes ahead, gets married and has twin boys

Ghansham : Sham, Mona ke judwa ladkae hua hai.
Shamji : Theek hai humne inke naam bhi soch liye pehle ka Peter aur
doosra Repeater
Later, Mona has twin girls
Ghansham : Sham, Mona ke judwa ladkiya hua hai.
Shamji : Theek hai humne inke naam bhi soch liye - pehli ka Kate aur doosri
DupliKate

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Ghansham : Sham, mein aaj kaam pe nahin aaoonga. Mujhe stomach ache
hai.
Shamjih : Abay bavakoof ! Har kisi ko stomach ek hi hotha hai.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Shamjih : Ghansham, is gaddhar ko is duniya se aazad kar dho. Iski
laash ko Police Estation ke saamne phenk dho. Aur is ke side mein ek suyi bhonk dho.
Ghansham : Lekin Sham side mein suyi kyon ?
Shamjih : Thake Police samjhe ki ye suyiside hai.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ghansham : Sham meri beevi ko theen ladke payida ho gaye hai. Mein
inka naam kya rakhoon.
Shamjih : Phele ka naam Peter rakho, dusre ka naam Repeater rakho
aur theesre ka naam Chin Chin Choo rakhko.
Ghansham : Lekin Sham thesre ka naam Chin Chin Choo kyon ?
Shamjih : Are bevakoof, woh isliye ke duniya mein har theesra
bachha Chinese hotha hai.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Scene: Sham murders a man.
Shamji : Ghansham, Is aadmi ko Hero Honda ki tank mein dal do.
Ghansham : kyon Sham?
Shamji : Fill it,shut it,forget it!
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Shamji : Ghansham!
Ghansham : Yes, Sham?
Shamji : Yeh "bus" mei kuch hawa daal do.
Ghansham : Lekin, kyon bass?
Shamji : Yeh bus "Airbus" ban jayega.

---------------------------------------------------------------------
Ghansham : Shamji, China se Mr. Hu aayee hain.
Shamji : Goli maar do.
Hu mar jaane par humor ban ke sab ko hasaayenge.

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Scene: Shamji thouroughly disgusted with Mona da..arrling's typing.
Shamji : Ghansham, Mona ke dono hathon ko kaat do.
Ghansham : Magar kyoon Sham?
Shamji : Typing to nahi atee, kamsekam shaarthand to seekh legi.

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SHAMJI AND STUDENTS........

Shamji is the english teacher in a school.
He is very well renowned for all his students do very well in exams.
The school is having an inspection and the inspector decided to visit the english class.
This is what transpires :
Shamji : " Bolo bachon GADHA "
Students (in chorous) : "GADHA "
Shamji : " Bolo bachon GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA "
Students (in chorous) : "GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA "
Shamji : " Bolo bachon GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA, GADHE KE PECHE MAI"
Students (in chorous) : "GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE MAI"
Shamji : " Bolo bachon GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA, GADHE KE PECHE MAI AUR MERE PECHE SAARA DESH "
Students (in chorous) : "GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE GADHA , GADHE KE PECHE MAI AUR MERE PECHE SAARA DESH"
By this time the inspector is furious.
He confronts the principal and shouts at him
"What is this Shamji teaching to students?
He is supposed to be taking an english class and what he is saying is GADHA, GADHE KE PECHE GADHA, GADHE KE PECHE MAI AUR MERE PECHE SAARA DESH.
The principle too is shocked,
Shamji the famous english teacher doing this.
He immediately sends for Shamji.
Principal: " Shamji what nonsense are you telling these students, GADHA,
GADHE KE PECHE GADHA, GADHE KE PECHE MAI AUR MERE PECHE SAARA DESH".
Shamji : "Yes i was telling all this in class, but i was only teaching the students the spellings of
Assassination: - Ass-Ass-I-Nation

SHAMJI & HIS FRIENDS........

Shamji & his 4 friends were in Mumbai.
They all decided to start a business.
They had a lot of discussions on the type of business and finally decided to start a hotel.
They selected the best of locations and cooks and built the hotel.
The hotel was inaugurated and was awaiting its first customer.
Shamji & his friends waited and waited but nobody turned up.
The story was the same the next day.
A week passed but noboby turned up.

WHY ? - --------------

Because there was a sign at the entrance "Visitors not allowed."

After the failure of their hotel they decided to start an Auto Garage.

They bought the best of car servicing equipments and soon started the garage.
Shamji & his friends waited that day for the first car to arrive but no car entered their garage.
They waited for one day, 2 days ,a week but no car came to their garage.

WHY ? -------

Because their garage was on the first floor.

After this failure they decided to fall back on the good old taxi driving.

They bought a new Premier Padmini running on CNG and began to look for passengers.
They drew past Churchgate but nobody hailed their taxi.

They went to Nariman point yet nobody hailed their taxi.

They drove to Chatrapati Shivaji Terminus, even there nobody hailed their taxi.
In desperation they kept on driving all around Mumbai but alas no one hailed their taxi.

WHY ? -----

B'cos all shamji & his friends were sitting in the taxi.

Shamji & his friends were very disgusted with their naseeb and decided to push their taxi into the sea at Marine Lines.
They started pushing their taxi.
They pushed the whole day and were very exhausted but the taxi did not move even an inch.
They decided to rest for the night and start the next day.
The next day the story repeated itself.
The taxi just wouldnt move.
They pushed for a whole week but the taxi wouldnt budge.

WHY ? ------

Because two of them were pushing from front and two from behind.

TRAIN TO LUDHIANA....

Sham and Ghansham are in a railway station.
Shamji asks the clerk:"Can I take this train to Ludhiana?".
"No," answers the Railway man.
"Can I?" asks GhanSham

LONG FLIGHT....

Shamji calls Air India.
"How long does it take to fly to Amritsar?"
"Just a sec," comes an answer.
"Thank you." says the Shamji
and hangs up!

CROCODILE BOOTS....

Shamji proposes to a woman.
She says yes if you bring me a pair of crocodile boots.
Shamji sets off to Africa and disappears.
Finally a search is being made;
They find him hunting crocodiles and watch him killing a huge one.
Shamji walks over the reptile, checks its legs and angrily exclaims "71st and *again* barefeet!"

COLOR TV!!!!

Shamji TO Sales Consultant - "Do you have color TVs?"
Sales Consultant - Sure.
Shamji – "Give me a green one, please."

DOUBLE DECKER BUS RIDE !!!!!

Sham & Ghansham landed up in Bombay.
They managed to get into a double- decker bus.
Shamsomehow managed to get a bottom seat, But unfortunate Ghansham got pushed to the top. After a while when the rush is over,
Sham went upstairs to see friend Ghansham.

He met Ghansham in a bad condition clutching the seats in front with both hands, scared to death.
He says, "Are Ghansham! What the heck's going' on? Why are you scared ?
I was enjoying my ride down there ?"

Scared Ghansham replies. "Yeah, but you've got a *driver.* "

HEIGHTS OF REVENGE !!!!!

Talking about those days when there were no mosquito repellents and we had to spend sleepless nights.
Shamji was also experiencing the same every time he tries to sleep, one mosquito comes and disturbs his sleep with a sound "guooonn, guooonn."
He gets very irritated.
He tries to cover his ear but the problem remains persistent.
Ultimately he gets up and catches the mosquito in his hand.
He is very kind and not for the blood shed but still wanted to take revenge.
Happy as he is now starts singing "so ja machchar, bete so ja".
After some time he finds the mosquito falling in to deep sleep in his hands.
So he goes near it and says
"Guoooonnnnn, guoooonnnnn."

EMPLOYMENT - APPLICATION FORM !!!!!

Shamji was filling up an application form for a job.
He promptly filled the columns titled NAME,AGE,ADDRESS etc.
Then he came to the column Salary Expected :
He was not sure as to what to be filled there.
After much thought he wrote : Yes

ANOTHER COUNT!!!!

Shamji is walking down the street and sees a man jumping up and down on a manhole cover yelling "86, 86, 86".
Shamji asks the man, "Excuse me, but why are you jumping up and down on this manhole cover and yelling '86, 86, 86'?"
The man says, "Well, I can't tell you that, but if you really want to know, I can let you go under there and find out.
Shamji thinks for a moment, then his curiosity gets the better of him, and he says, "Okay."
The man lifts the manhole cover,
Shamji steps into the manhole,
and the man puts the manhole cover back and starts jumping up and down on it
yelling "87, 87, 87".............

How to enter HEAVEN!!

Shamji died and went to heaven.
When he got to the pearly gate Saint Peter told him that new rules were in effect due to the advances in education on earth.
In u order to gain admittance a prospective heavenly soul must answer two questions:

1. Name two days of the week that begin with "T".

2. How many seconds are there in a year?

Then Shamji thought for a few minutes and answered...

1. The two days of the week that begin with "T" are Today and Tomorrow.

2. There are 12 seconds in a year.
Saint Peter said, "OK, I'll buy the Today and Tomorrow,

even though it's not the answer I expected, so your answer is correct.

But how did you get only 12 seconds in a year?"

Then Shamji replied, "Well, January 2nd, February 2nd,March 2nd, etc...."

Saint Peter lets him in without another word

CHANDIGARH OR JALANDHAR

Sham was going to Chandigarh from pune by an Air-India plane.
He was allotted the middle seat of one of the 3-seats array.
But as soon as Shamji got into the plane, he sat on the window side seat which was actually for an old lady.
After some time the old lady came and requested the Shamji to leave the side seat.
But Shamji told: "I want to see the view from the window and shall not leave".
The old lady then complained to the air hostess.
The air hostess came and requested Shamji to leave that seat.
But Shamji was adamant and did not leave.
Then the air hostess went and told the Asst capt.
He also came and requested, but in vain.
Finally the Captain came.
He whispered something in the ears of the Shamji and Shamji immedietly left the side seat and returned to the middle seat.
Astonished, the airhostess and the Asst. Capt. asked the Capt. what he told to the Shamji.
Capt. replied:
"nothing ,I just told him that only the middle seats will go to Chandigarh. All others will go to Jalandhar."

#TO LOOSE WEIGHT.....

Doctor:- Shamji you should run 8K.Ms/day for 300 days & you will loose 34 kilos.

After 300 days.....

Shamji:- Doctor, I have lost the weight, but I have a problem.

Doctor:- "What's the problem?"

Shamji:- I am 2400 kms from my home.

Some common Jokes 4 u all !!!!!!!!!!!!

ENJOY.................
*************************-------------*********----------***********-----********
"Have you ever read Shakespeare?"
Sham: "No, who wrote it?"
* * * * *
Sham ordered a pizza
the waitor asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
"Six, please.
I could never eat twelve pieces." replied Sham with innosance......
* * * * *
Sham went to see a movie in the Cinema Hall with his 17 friends
Why????????
Simple Because below 18 was not allowed.
* * * * * *
How do you make a Sham laugh on Saturday?
Tell him a joke on Wednesday.
* * * * * *
Why can't Shams make ice cubes?
They always forget the recipe.
* * * * * *
Why does Sham always smile during lightning storms?
because Sham thinks his picture is being taken.
* * * * * *
Why does Sham have "TGIF" written on their shoes?
Toes Go In First.
* * * * * *
Why can't Sham dial 911?
He can not find the eleven on the phone
* * * * * *

HR Mangagers Recruitment!!!!!

One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she was met at the Pearly Gates by St. Peter himself.

"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter.

"Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem. You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Manager make it this far and we're not really sure what to do with you."

“No problem, just let me in" said the woman.

Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders.

What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in.

"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman

"Sorry, we have rules..."And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.

The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow executives that she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak and lobster dinner. She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kindof cute) and she had a great time telling jokes and dancing.

She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave.

Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.

The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for her.

"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said.

So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had great time and before she knew it her 24 hours were up.

St. Peter came and got her.

So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven.

Now you must choose your eternity,

The woman paused for a second and then replied,

"Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."

So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.

When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and putting it in sacks. The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.

"I don't understand," stammered the woman,

"yesterday I was here and there was a golfcourse and a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time.Now all there is a wasteland of garbage and all my friends look miserable."

The Devil looked at her smiled and told

.????

?????

"Yesterday we were recruiting you,

today you're an Employee"

HONORABLE MEN!

Every Man should read it, to feel proud
and of course Woman should read it to understand a man & realize the value of a man.

Revised Version of Woodcutter Story------
"One day, a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. He cried out a lot ,
then Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"
The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.
The Lord went down into the water and reaappeared with a golden axe.
"Is this your axe? " the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord again went down and came up with a silver Axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."
The Lord went down again and came up with an iron Axe.
"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.
The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. He again cried out,
the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"
"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"
The Lord went down into the water and came up with ANGELINA JOLIE
"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.
"Yes," cried the woodcutter.
The Lord was furious.
"You lied! That is an untruth!"
The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord.
It is a misunderstanding.You see, if I had said 'no' to ANGELINA JOLIE , You would have come up with CAMERON DIAZ .
Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife.
Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three.
Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives.
So, THAT'S why I said yes to ANGELINA JOLIE ."

The moral of this story is:
Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.That's the story, and we're sticking to it!

"WE ARE HONORABLE MEN!"